Chapter 6

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"The patriarchal world - meaning the white man, basically - deals with knots by just cutting through them, which never teaches you anything. Whereas, untying a knot teaches you because you really have to work on it."

Alice Walker

Conflict - friction, disagreement, fighting, violence ... what does the idea of conflict conjure up for you? If you are like many of the rest of us, you would like to run a mile and leave the problem to sort itself out. Regretfully, it rarely does, and the real trick is to resolve the conflict as constructively as possible - a valuable skill and process to know. And we all might as well learn it, because conflict is absolutely unavoidable in life; it occurs daily, between individuals or groups, at all age levels and in all kinds of situations. The trick is to manage it appropriately.

What is Conflict?

Conflict is basically disagreement or opposition, existing when at least two parties are involved and when incompatible activities occur. Within any culture there are acceptable levels of conflict and varying ways to resolve it, which we can probably all see in action at different times and places, sometimes much to our dislike or regret. But in fact conflict is a necessary part of life, and unavoidable, yet often we are not equipped to handle it constructively.

In the life cycle of a group the conflict stage is known as ‘storming’ (Brown 1986:77), where roles and positions are clarified, issues of power and control arise, fears are discussed, and so on - feelings and debates we have all no doubt experienced in many different situations. Group conflict is as common as group harmony (Forsyth 1983:102) and can arise as a result of misunderstandings and other difficulties in communication, personality differences, competitive interdependence, or outside influences or threats.

However it is not all bad, as confronting conflict can result in stronger group unity, greater understanding and acceptance of group members, improved communication, goal clarification, and the release of tension and hostility. Conflict can also stimulate change and innovation; in fact, without any conflict we would all become very apathetic and stagnant. It is only a problem when it is not constructive, or when it cannot be resolved. Therefore, conflict management or resolution skills are a very important component of a good leader’s ‘toolbox’.

The Stages of Conflict

While a stage can be missed, or the process cut short at any time, according to Forsyth (1983:pp79) the course of conflict in groups tends to follow a sequence of: disagreement, confrontation, escalation, de-escalation and resolution. O'Connor et al (1995:pp154) define the stages of conflict as being: articulation, mobilisation, personalisation, redefinition, and resolution of conflict.

Initially the group or participants must state that there is a conflict and define what that is, then decide whether it is a real disagreement, whether it has to be dealt with right now, or whether it can be resolved by a minor change.

If the conflict cannot be resolved by minor change, mobilisation occurs, with information or other people sought to support points of view. Thus the conflict moves to the confrontation stage, where opposing factions debate the issue and deepen their commitment to the stance they have taken.

This leads to increased tension and the formation of coalitions or sub-groups. Generally the conflict then escalates, fed by feelings of distrust, frustration, open hostility and competition, and often personalised with people picking on specific attributes of individuals rather then limiting debate to the specific issue at hand.

In time, and if a group survives the above stages, they will eventually move on to de-escalation, having recognised the time and energy being wasted on the conflict and had time to cool off and return to more rational thinking. At this stage there is a desire to reach agreement; the situation may be redefined, options rethought, and the conflict may begin to be managed more constructively through the use of mechanisms such as negotiation, trust building, or having a third party intervene to mediate, facilitate, judge or advise on the issue.

Eventually, one way or another, the conflict will be resolved, whether or not everyone is happy with the outcome.

Resolving Conflict - the Leader’s Role

When a conflict arises you will need to decide whether you wish to avoid it or resolve it, and therefore whether to remove the triggering events or increase them (ie: change the subject or debate it further; sit two people apart or move them closer together; eject a group member or go on).

It is very tempting to choose avoidance, hoping that the threat will go away and the situation return to normal. This, however, is often unlikely to happen and you can be left with residual feelings and attitudes towards people which can hamper the rest of your relationship, or the process of the group.

If you chose resolution, the next step is to remove any barriers to expressing that conflict, either internal barriers such as anxiety or fear, or external barriers such as group norms, time constraints, venue restrictions and so on (Johnson and Johnson (1987):pp282-284).

Procedures which will assist conflict resolution include:

negotiation

use of a third person such as a mediator, counsellor, advocate or ombudsman

taking legal action

resorting to physical violence (not highly recommended!).

Negotiation is generally the most effective, where the parties involved talk directly to each other and try to agree to some type of settlement. Mediation, where a third person mediates the discussion but has no other power, can also be very effective. Another option is arbitration, where a third party is given the power to make a judgement about the conflict and enforce it. (More extreme measures will not be discussed here, given that the focus of this manual is women and "positive" leadership).

In all situations and whichever method you use, resolving conflict draws on a range of interpersonal skills including

listening

feedback

goal setting

oral persuasion skills.

Your Conflict Resolution Style

As well as having these skills, to manage conflict constructively you need to know yourself and your conflict-handling style (Robbins 1989:216). Are you accommodating (I lose, you win)?, dominating (I win, you lose)?, compromising (both win some and lose some)?, a collaborator (I win, you win)? or an avoider (run away, run away!)?. Knowing your personal style or preference will help you determine the conflicts you can handle, or want to handle, and the range of options that you will consider in resolving any conflict.

You may like to check out how you react in conflict situations by completing the questionnaire at the end of this chapter. As in any self-administered test of this sort, you need to be wary of the exact accuracy of the results and treat the whole thing as a bit of fun, or a way to begin thinking about your interactions with others. These sort of tests are for general guidance only.

A Win-Win Outcome

Most books on leadership and conflict resolution will tend to recommend that the leader should aim for a win-win, rather than a win-lose outcome. To achieve this situation which is positive for all parties, and which is concerned about both the outcome and the process used, conflict resolution must involve:

Identification and clarification of all rules for interaction, including an agreed belief that all parties are equal and have a legitimate point of view, but that a mutually acceptable outcome is achievable.

Focus on the conflict issue and not the personalities involved, believing in the trustworthiness and willingness to cooperate of all those involved.

Sticking to process issues rather than trying to achieve a pre-determined outcome, adopting a problem solving approach as much as possible.

Recognition that there are multiple solutions to any conflict, exploring each one until the most mutually acceptable option for all concerned is determined and agreed upon.

Johnson and Johnson (1987:pp288-293) list seven key steps to negotiating resolutions of conflict of interest using a problem solving/win-win approach. These steps are:

Confronting the opposition - directly expressing your view of and feelings about the conflict, and inviting the opposition to do the same, thus clarifying and exploring the issues, needs, strengths and feelings of all those involved.

Jointly defining the conflict - in the smallest and most precise way that both parties can agree to, as a mutual problem to be solved rather than as a win-lose battle, and without accusing, labelling or insulting either side (easier said than done in a conflict situation!)

Communicating positions and feelings - draw on all your skills for presenting and listening to information and feelings right throughout the negotiations, as feelings and points of view may change at any time.

Communicating cooperative intentions - the goal is to try and integrate both positions; the clearer you are about your cooperative intentions, the faster the conflict will be negotiated as defensiveness decreases, understanding of positions increases, and conflicting parties are seen as more acceptable and someone that can be confided in.

Taking the opponent's perspective - detach yourself from your point of view and try and see the issues from the other perspective, thus gaining an understanding of their actions and feelings, and enabling a more realistic assessment of common needs and benefits.

Coordinating motivation to negotiate in good faith - both need to be motivated to resolve a conflict, based on the costs and gains of continuing the conflict (ie: the cost of losing a friendship, the gain of annoying someone you don't like); to increase motivation to resolve a conflict increase the costs of continuing it.

Reaching an agreement - once all parties are satisfied with the agreement and are committed to abiding by it, the conflict is resolved.

Win-Lose Situations

There may be some situations in which you want to win at the expense of the other person. This usually occurs when you have tried to negotiate and the other party just will not acknowledge your point of view.

Resorting to a win-lose strategy is not recommended if you want to retain a relationship with the other person, as it will make it very difficult for you to work together cooperatively in the future. So, before using the techniques outlined below, reassess you relationship with the other person/party.

Then, if you want a win-lose situation, ie: want the final agreement to go more your way than theirs, use the following process:

Set a fairly high goal initially, and then advise your opposition that you will not settle unless the agreement is favourable to you.
Disclose as little as possible about your own situation, but uncover as much information as you can about your opponent's position.

Other strategies include using threats and promises, changing the opposition's evaluation of their position, or straight out refusing to move from your position.

Just realise that taking such a stance places the emphasis on power inequalities and control, undermines trust, decreases communication, and greatly reduces any future chances of cooperation.

Overall, it is generally felt that it is better to face conflict than to run away from it, and then to resolve it constructively, to the benefit of all involved, rather than destructively. The basic principles of conflict resolution, as outlined above, are the same whether the conflict is between individuals or groups, and whether it is a minor issue or a huge drama. If we can all learn to manage conflict in our personal lives, this would be the first step towards better management of conflict in society generally, without recourse to violence, which I am sure we would all like to see.

References and Further Reading:

Brown, A. (1983) Groupwork 2nd Ed. Gower, England

Forsyth, D. (1983) An Introduction to Group Dynamics Brooks/Cole, California

Johnson, D. and Johnson, F. (1987) Joining Together: Group Theory and Group Skills 3rd Ed. Prentice-Hall, New Jersey

O'Connor, I., Wilson, J., & Setterlund, D. (1995) Social Work and Welfare Practice 2nd Ed. Longman, Australia

Robbins, S. (1989) Training in Interpersonal Skills Prentice-Hall, New Jersey

Exercise 6.1: How You Act In Conflicts

The proverbs listed below can be thought of as descriptions of some of the different strategies for resolving conflicts. Proverbs state traditional wisdom, and these proverbs reflect traditional wisdom for resolving conflicts. Read each of the proverbs carefully. Using the following scale, indicate how typical each proverb is of your actions in a conflict.

5=very typical of the way I act in a conflict

4=frequently typical of the way I act in a conflict

3=sometimes typical of the way I act in a conflict

2=seldom typical of the way I act in a conflict

1=never typical of the way I act in a conflict

It is easier to refrain than to retreat from a quarrel.
If you cannot make a person think as you do, make him or her do as you think.
Soft words win hard hearts.
You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.
Come now and let us reason together.
When two quarrel, the person who keeps quiet first is the most praiseworthy.
Might overcomes right.
Smooth words make smooth ways.
Better half a loaf than no bread at all.
Truth lies in knowledge, not in majority opinion.
He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
He hath conquered well that hath made his enemies flee.
Kill your enemies with kindness.
A fair exchange brings no quarrel.
No person has the final answer but every person has a piece to contribute.
Stay away from people who disagree with you.
Fields are won by people who believe in winning.
Kind words are worth much and cost little.
Tit for tat is fair play.
Only the person who is willing to give up his or her monopoly on truth can ever profit from the truths that others hold.
Avoid quarrelsome people as they will only make your life miserable.
A person who will not flee will make others flee.
Soft words ensure harmony.
One gift for another makes good friends.
Bring your conflicts into the open and face them directly, only then will the best solution be discovered.
The best way of handling conflicts is to avoid them.
Put your foot down where you mean to stand.
Gentleness will triumph over anger.
Getting part of what you want is better than not getting anything at all.
Frankness, honesty and trust will move mountains.
There is nothing so important you have to fight for it.
There are two kinds of people in the world, the winners and the losers.
When one hits you with a stone, hit him or her with a piece of cotton.
When both give in halfway, a fair settlement is achieved.
By digging and digging, the truth is discovered.

SCORING

WITHDRAWING	FORCING	SMOOTHING	COMPROMISING	CONFRONTING
___ 1	___ 2	___ 3	___ 4	___ 5
___ 6	___ 7	___ 8	___ 9	___ 10
___ 11	___ 12	___ 13	___ 14	___ 15
___ 16	___ 17	___ 18	___ 19	___ 20
___ 21	___ 22	___ 23	___ 24	___ 25
___ 26	___ 27	___ 28	___ 29	___ 30
___ 31	___ 32	___ 33	___ 34	___ 35
___ Total	___ Total	___ Total	___ Total	___ Total

The higher the total score for each conflict strategy, the more frequently you tend to use that strategy. The lower the total score for each conflict strategy, the less frequently you tend to use that strategy. See next page for discussion of styles.

(From Johnson & Johnson (1987) Joining Together: Group Theory and Group Skills, Prentice-Hall, New Jersey.)

The Turtle (Withdrawing)

Turtles withdraw into their shells to avoid conflicts. They give up their personal goals and relationships. They stay away from the issues over which the conflict is taking place and from the persons they are in conflict with. Turtles believe it is hopeless to try and resolve conflicts. They feel helpless. They believe it is easier to withdraw (physically and psychologically) from a conflict than to face it.

The Shark (Forcing)

Sharks try to overpower opponents by forcing them to accept their solution to the conflict. Their goals are highly important to them, and relationships are of minor importance. They seek to achieve their goals at all costs. They are not concerned with the needs of others. They do not care if others like or accept them. Sharks assume that conflicts are settled by one person winning and one person losing. They want to be the winner. Winning gives sharks a sense of pride and achievement. Losing gives them a sense of weakness, inadequacy, and failure. They try to win by attacking, overpowering, overwhelming, and intimidating others.

The Teddy Bear (Smoothing)

To teddy bears, the relationship is of great importance while their own goals are of little importance. Teddy bears want to be accepted and liked by others. The think that conflict should be avoided in favour of harmony and that people cannot discuss conflicts without damaging relationships. They are afraid that if the conflict continues, someone will get hurt, and that would ruin the relationship. They give up their goals to preserve the relationship. Teddy bears say: "I’ll give up my goals and let you have what you want in order for you to like me." Teddy bears try to smooth over the conflict out of fear of harming the relationship.

The Fox (Compromising)

Foxes are moderately concerned with their own goals and their relationships with others. Foxes seek a compromise: they give up part of their goals and persuade the other person in a conflict to give up part of her goals. They seek a conflict solution in which both sides gain something - the middle ground between two extreme positions. They are willing to sacrifice part of their goals and relationships in order to find agreement for the common good.

The Owl (Confronting)

Owls highly value their own goals and relationships. They view conflicts as problems to be solved and seek a solution that achieves both their own goals and the goals of the other person. Owls see conflicts as a means of improving relationships by reducing tension between two persons. They try to begin a discussion that identifies the conflict as a problem. By seeking solutions that satisfy both themselves and the other person, owls maintain the relationship. Owls are not satisfied until a solution is found that achieves their own goals and the other person’s goals. And they are not satisfied until the tensions and negative feelings have been fully resolved.